In our own universes, where we are all Gods, everyone aspires to one or many Godly skills. Sometimes, I think the reason why Hindus have many Gods is to give enough space to indecision, confusion and respect for variety.
How did you manage to grasp the essence of things and still leave escape routes for me to unravel?
It is as if you gave me a puzzle and showed me how to start and left me to wander to the last piece in my own game of permutation and combinations. Did I mention Math is a beautiful language I don’t have much hold over?
I am overdosing on the stereotype of the sensitive individual these days. You led me to one, then another, then another and then the king of them all. And so I sit, watching Korean movies with subtitles and wiping warm salty droplets off the table every five minutes. Work can be a respite, I realize. But then, one gets tired of routine and finds it more necessary to wipe droplets off tables more than dressing up early in the morning
There is also the habit of songs on loop that spill over and play in one’s sleep against the background of a nightmare or a dream.
There are the nightmares, of course, many of them. What do they tell me? They tell me I am disturbed. Do they tell me why? Nope.
There is this surprising resistance from inside to changes as are foreseen in life. And yet it makes me happy when I’m told that making love to anyone else is unfathomable. Or is it that I am ready, but only in another time zone?
In another time zone, I am still the thirteen year old whose heart pumps up enough blood to make blushy cheeks for days on end after receiving an unexpected phone call. Hearing some voices can be like drinking manna after having traveled without food or water for a few days. It is orgasmic to the point of paralysis.
Long winding sentences have been a habit that is proving difficult to break. I cut many people’s long sentences short. Cutting on talk and directing it elsewhere is difficult simply because I am more comfortable with one set of reactions than another. There is a point of null set too. It is very important to me – the null set.
Talking is making love. Does anyone have a doubt about that? Obviously most men would not like to make love to their bosses day in and day out. But then, you get the kind of talking I am talking about here, don’t you? The kind where your heart and soul is laid bare for the enjoyment and consumption of another.
Old conversations have a way of reminding me when things were light, effortless and playful. Now all is … as indecipherable as those trailing …dots. Perhaps I should have known this would happen. Perhaps…I should have been wiser when I was younger. Life demands to be revealed to me in contradictions I cannot reconcile. I wonder when I will stop wiping droplets off the table…
Love is a limitation that promises to set you free.
The words blur. Lines become shadows. Shadows merge with paper and ink blots. I wish I had a Noodle man sitting in the next room, who knew what would happen next. I wish I could go somewhere. I wish I could wish for less.
I have, as usual, trespassed boundaries. Not my own this time, but it still hurts just the same. The girl who sat alone with broken love stories of Dan Rhodes listening to Robbie Williams is sitting somewhere inside me even now and waiting for the night to pass.
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