Of unaccounted accounts

“Yes, get it out. Yes... yes, it makes you feel better. It is important for what we are going to do today...yes, that is the idea of the diary writing exercises.” :)

But there has to come a point where the diary sickens of you. There has to come a point when even you can feel the pen recoil from your grasp, the rhythm of your fingers come to a standstill and silence grind the fan to a halt.

Your woes can no longer draw ink. The pencil only tears paper. Your diary lies about you all the time. Yet you cannot pick it up. You know it has sickened of your hand writing, the weight of your palm, your shuffling fingers. It hates your pen for blotting over and polluting its virginal body, not to mention when you mess things up with the tears. Your diary scorns your little nest troubles scrolled all over.

It is this knowledge that makes your hand stop from picking it up, isn’t it? That makes the silence pool around your diary. And the more you keep your diary around, the more heavily that silence congeals over everything you touch. You have felt it, haven’t you?

This silence that makes the fan groan to a stop, suffocate the music, crush your nails to bits so you cannot pick up that favorite fountain pen.

The diary is helpless. You know that too. It has no power over you and can do nothing when you violate it every time you want to punch someone or cry over someone’s shoulder. You take advantage of that. You abuse it, the poor thing.

And then you have the gall to come to class, smile coyly and whisper “I write off and on in a diary...”

I bet you think of the diary then; lying at home (lest he asks to have a look of course!) waiting for you: biding her time.

She is there pat on the middle of your desk: submissive, a mere object to any other eye. That pen, the pencil that lie beside her. She gazes idly out the window and preens her body, waiting for you to come. She is calm. It is the very calm that paralyzes you every time you see her.

And I bet you think of her when he asks you "So have you written anything lately?"